Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Are you a Mom in the Middle?


There are two different types of moms:  ones who mind their own business and ones who don't.


The business I'm referring to is the butting in to another mom's personal situation with her kids. This situation could be anything from disciplining her kids, not disciplining her kids, what she feeds her children, how and when she should feed her children, what school her kids should go to, how homework should be done, etc.


But if you are a mom in the middle, you may be a scary mommy. Maybe you're a mom like me, that wants to get in the middle sometimes but chooses not to, based solely on the fact that it's so not cool to be that  "judgmental, I'm so perfect and my shit doesn't stink"  kind of mom." I prefer a "live and let live" philosophy, instead of, "I do everything right and am the epitome of the perfect parent."


So how do we know when it's okay to step in and become that scary mommy in the middle?   Is your biggest fear that if you do become buttinski mom, then the moment you do John Quinones will pop in and scare the living shit out of you, laughing his ass off and telling you, "I'm sorry ma'am, but this is all just for a TV show called, "What would You Do?"  Even worse, he'll bring the brightest fucking lights, so you're blinking your eyes as rapidly as Hugh Grant in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and can barely see the hot camera guys and the dude who holds that big boom thing that's dangling over your head. 


No fucking way I'm signing that release form! 


The following is my top five "Mommy in the Middle"  moments from a recent trip to Mohl's:

(The true identity of this popular shopping destination for mid-western moms has been disguised to protect Jennifer Lopez and Lauren Conrad.)


1  A bratty teen is trying on clothes with her mom in the dressing room next to mine. She models an outfit that appears to make her look like a baby prostitute and of course the mom shakes her head no. The bratty teen then begins talking back to her mom, saying things like, " Gawd, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!"  and "All the girls at school dress like this."  I bite my lip and stop myself from blurting out the obvious, "then your friends must all be sluts!"  and instead I drop to my hands and knees and thank sweet Jesus that he did not bless me with a baby with boobs and ovaries.


2.  It gets worse. Now on the other side of my "private" dressing room is a sweet little girl with curly blonde hair playing a solitary game of peek-a-boo under my fitting room door.  "Oh hello there little girl!"  I call out, feigning a friendly and sweet disposition.  Now the second time she peeked that little Shirley Temple head in my personal space, I did what every normal mom would do.  I flashed her my winter bush and sent her whimpering like a sad puppy back to the corner of her Mom's dressing room. Hey, it's not my job to police your kids! Again, I keep my mouth shut. 



3. Two toddlers are running and screaming, playing hide and seek in between your legs when you're sifting through the latest clearance items on the Rock n Republic and Daisy Fuentas racks. Meanwhile mom is oblivious in her own Dana Buchanan heaven shouting out random half-ass things like, "Stop kids! and "No running in the store while Mummy is shopping!" You keep your mouth shut again and instead give her a stare down with crazy murderous Charles Manson eyes until she grabs her tots and says, "Okay, let's go find something nice for Daddy now."



4. Now the perfect WWMD (What Would Mom Do) moment:  A small boy, maybe four or five, is screaming his head off, "I want to go!  I want to go!" and "You're a poopy head!" over and over again to his poor Mom who looks like she hasn't slept in a week or two.  She grabs his wrist and says, "I told you to be quiet!  Now you're gonna get a spanking!"  Whap!  Whap!  Whap!  Three times across the butt.  I'm sure we have all seen this scary mommy moment at some point. This is where I became Mom in the Middle and ask the woman if everything was okay. The look of Mom Guilt immediately washed over her face as soon as it dawned on her that she was still at Mohl's at not at home!  She rushed little Johnny out of there as he screamed, "Nah nah, that didn't even hurt!"


5.  I've about had it with shopping for the day. With one marked down Elle cardigan, I stood my place in line and noticed a mom with her two tween daughters, trying to return some merchandise only to be told by the cashier that she would have to walk to the back of the store to Customer Service for that transaction. Well, this mom just GOES OFF on this poor cashier, who looks barely nineteen and is probably struggling to pay not only her college tuition, her share of the rent and some monthly birth control pills, but could possibly be an overworked mom herself. 


This is where I become Mom in the Middle. "Don't talk to her like that!  It's not her fault, she's just doing her job." The woman looks at me like she's about to punch me in the face, but instead storms to the back of the store where she should have been in the first damn place.




What are your Mom in the Middle moments? 

Drop me a line and tell me your favorite Mom in the Middle moment on: