There are two different types of moms: ones who mind their own business and ones who
don't.
The business I'm referring to is the butting in to another
mom's personal situation with her kids. This situation could be anything from
disciplining her kids, not disciplining her kids, what she feeds her children,
how and when she should feed her children, what school her kids should go to,
how homework should be done, etc.
But if you are a mom in the middle, you may be a scary
mommy. Maybe you're a mom like me, that wants to get in the middle sometimes
but chooses not to, based solely on the fact that it's so not cool to be that "judgmental, I'm so perfect and my shit
doesn't stink" kind of mom." I
prefer a "live and let live" philosophy, instead of, "I do
everything right and am the epitome of the perfect parent."
So how do we know when it's okay to step in and become that
scary mommy in the middle? Is your
biggest fear that if you do become buttinski mom, then the moment you do John
Quinones will pop in and scare the living shit out of you, laughing his ass off
and telling you, "I'm sorry ma'am, but this is all just for a TV show
called, "What would You Do?" Even
worse, he'll bring the brightest fucking lights, so you're blinking your eyes
as rapidly as Hugh Grant in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and can
barely see the hot camera guys and the dude who holds that big boom thing
that's dangling over your head.
No fucking way I'm
signing that release form!
The following is my top five "Mommy in the Middle" moments from a recent trip to Mohl's:
(The true identity of this popular shopping destination for
mid-western moms has been disguised to protect Jennifer Lopez and Lauren Conrad.)
1 A bratty teen is
trying on clothes with her mom in the dressing room next to mine. She models an
outfit that appears to make her look like a baby prostitute and of course the
mom shakes her head no. The bratty teen then begins talking back to her mom,
saying things like, " Gawd, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!" and "All the girls at school dress like
this." I bite my lip and stop
myself from blurting out the obvious, "then your friends must all be
sluts!" and instead I drop to my
hands and knees and thank sweet Jesus that he did not bless me with a baby with
boobs and ovaries.
2. It gets worse. Now
on the other side of my "private" dressing room is a sweet little
girl with curly blonde hair playing a solitary game of peek-a-boo under my
fitting room door. "Oh hello there
little girl!" I call out, feigning
a friendly and sweet disposition. Now
the second time she peeked that little Shirley Temple head in my personal
space, I did what every normal mom would do.
I flashed her my winter bush and sent her whimpering like a sad puppy
back to the corner of her Mom's dressing room. Hey, it's not my job to police
your kids! Again, I keep my mouth shut.
3. Two toddlers are running and screaming, playing hide and
seek in between your legs when you're sifting through the latest clearance
items on the Rock n Republic and Daisy Fuentas racks. Meanwhile mom is
oblivious in her own Dana Buchanan heaven shouting out random half-ass things
like, "Stop kids! and "No running in the store while Mummy is
shopping!" You keep your mouth shut again and instead give her a stare down
with crazy murderous Charles Manson eyes until she grabs her tots and says,
"Okay, let's go find something nice for Daddy now."
4. Now the perfect WWMD (What Would Mom Do) moment: A small boy, maybe four or five, is screaming
his head off, "I want to go! I want
to go!" and "You're a poopy head!" over and over again to his
poor Mom who looks like she hasn't slept in a week or two. She grabs his wrist and says, "I told
you to be quiet! Now you're gonna get a
spanking!" Whap! Whap!
Whap! Three times across the
butt. I'm sure we have all seen this scary
mommy moment at some point. This is where I became Mom in the Middle and ask
the woman if everything was okay. The look of Mom Guilt immediately washed over
her face as soon as it dawned on her that she was still at Mohl's at not at
home! She rushed little Johnny out of
there as he screamed, "Nah nah, that didn't even hurt!"
5. I've about had it
with shopping for the day. With one marked down Elle cardigan, I stood my place
in line and noticed a mom with her two tween daughters, trying to return some
merchandise only to be told by the cashier that she would have to walk to the
back of the store to Customer Service for that transaction. Well, this mom just
GOES OFF on this poor cashier, who looks barely nineteen and is probably struggling
to pay not only her college tuition, her share of the rent and some monthly
birth control pills, but could possibly be an overworked mom herself.
This is where I become Mom in the Middle. "Don't talk
to her like that! It's not her fault,
she's just doing her job." The woman looks at me like she's about to punch
me in the face, but instead storms to the back of the store where she should
have been in the first damn place.
What are your Mom in the Middle moments?
Drop me a line and tell me your favorite Mom in the Middle
moment on:
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